The title track to my blog? :)
How do I deal with everything at once? Having developed (gifted/cursed) a sense of wrong with everything I have ever been "taught" and able to see through indoctrination programs, I have never "fit in" anywhere and I have gone through places, relationships, employment and seemingly everything else on a quest to find "meaning" to my existence.
The quest which I have embarked on seems to be one of truth and love but there are so many obstacles along the way be them within me or external. Just a look about at the real world is enough to drive me insane if I let it. So many contradictions flying about such as "save the children", "save the environment", "save the animals"; are we already so far gone that we have to actually "save" these things and if so from what but ourselves? Is the need to save everything about "me" in order to satisfy part of my programmed ego or is it really about helping others and a sense of what is right which includes what I leave for future generations (think 250-500 years)?
I believe that these things can be "saved" with the greatest of ease; all it takes is "honesty". This one little act can do so many things; it can make us look within ourselves to see our own complicity within a decaying present and future, allow us to truly have "conversations" which are not hindered behind a veil of deceit (within and without) and competition and it can shed light on the seemingly infinite control mechanisms which have been programmed into our very beings.
Am I capable of being truly honest with myself, let alone with others? All my life I have noticed certain memes and one of them is that a "little white lie" (gotta love the good/evil aspect of that) can be "good" (Does my ass look fat in these pants?) even though "honesty" is touted as a "valued" trait. Such a lie can be used to "protect" another from "bad" feelings be them the spouse which shall never find out about the infidelity or the populous which shall remain ignorant of the actual workings of the political and financial aspects of the world; for their own good of course.
Now this is confusing to me, for within my years of life experience, I can honestly say that "bad" feelings or experiences are one of the most powerful ways to learn if one can release themselves from the "pain" which they tend to bring. Each path leads to information; but there are many more paths to follow these days as people tend to search for the expressway to enlightenment. Everyone seems to need to be heard along with an endless stream of almost cult-like, institutionally run truther, esoteric, scientific, cabalistic movements (add them as they come to you). Some are genuine but many tend to distract and detract from information which may cause honest introspection and perhaps a shift in human consciousness.
I have pondered for years on my childhood and every year since about what I learned, believed, changed and will continue to do so within honest reflection even through my own painful realizations, blocks and hurdles. I have seen different cultures, countries, generations and classes of what we call society and have found that they are more similar than how we treat each other; so why are we so separated?
I have found it both easy and difficult to converse with people from all walks of life. Easy when they inquire and learn through their own revelations, experiences and sometimes by accident. Difficult when they desire to project intelligence by simply regurgitating sound-bites from the ministries of Indoctrination (education) and propaganda (media) or from the line of endless "experts" willing to fill our minds. What is ironic is that it is exactly the process needed to "pass" the indoctrination system and "succeed" in life; memorize and regurgitate then be mesmerized and forget.
I cannot show you my pedigree papers for I am an "uneducated" man. I don't claim intelligence, simply an understanding based upon my ability to discern information and experiences throughout my life and at that time. Not labelling myself as "educated" allows me to bypass the barriers which I may erect in believing that I have "achieved" a "goal"; that my path has reached a destination. If I had indeed reached a goal why would I bother to continue to learn? I think, without being a thinker, I write, without being a writer and I live, as human as I can at that moment within honesty even if only in reflection and without immediate comprehension (like the way I write).
So I stumble along, I trip and fall, I pick myself up and continue. I occasionally have help along the way be it in the form of the physical or of the existential and I try to learn the lessons every time. Sometimes it takes years to learn the lesson and the stumbling increases and I walk about in circles but there is always something (be it synchronistic) which leads me back to the path (albeit undefined).
Can I find what it is I am searching for if it can never be truly "defined"? Can I escape the madness which daily knocks at the door just to see if I am ready to succumb? Will I know honesty, within and without, without simply talking to myself and winning every argument? These are some of the questions which I ask myself as I live, learn and stumble along the undefinable path called life.